Toddler Hair Pulling
Why it happens
Yanking on hair,
like kicking, biting, pinching, and hitting, is one of the ways
toddlers express themselves and try to exert control over their
immediate environment. Mark W. Roberts, professor of clinical
psychology at Idaho State University, says there are three main reasons
for this behavior. For young toddlers (12 to 18 months), the most
likely explanation is the simplest one: They've discovered how to get a
reaction, and they want to get it again. "It's like turning on a light
switch, or hitting one of those toys where something pops up," Roberts
says. "They pull, big brother squeals. This is fun." Another reason
toddlers pull hair, Roberts says, is "to make bad things go away.
Someone's crawling over them or taking their toys; they reach out and
pull hair, and the bad thing stops." Finally, Roberts says, older
toddlers (2 to 3) are developing the cognitive skills to reason things
out, and may pull hair to try to control the direction of a situation.
Roberts gives this example: Your toddler's older brother takes the last
cookie, so she pulls his hair to make him squeal. "This has
possibilities on two levels," Roberts says. "First, you might step in
and make her big brother share the cookie. More important is the
likelihood that big brother will think twice before taking the last
cookie next time around."
What to do
Demonstrate futility.
One of the keys to suppressing your toddler's inappropriate behavior is
demonstrating convincingly that it doesn't work. If you ignore your
toddler's hair pulling, it will "work" (in that whoever's hair is
pulled will most likely do what your toddler wants), and it will get
worse as your toddler learns over time that pulling hair gets her what
she wants. If you try to read too much into the situation ("Hannah must
have pulled Ellie's hair because Ellie was being mean. I'll distract
Hannah by reading her a story ...") you may play right into her hands.
Your child doesn't grasp the complexity of the social interaction; what
she learns is that if she pulls hair, you take pity on her and she gets
to sit in your lap. Instead, demonstrate the futility of pulling hair
by "turning back the clock": If your toddler pulled her sister's hair
to capture a toy, hand the toy back to her sister as you explain to
your toddler, "We don't pull hair." For this to work, though, you've
got to act fast: Toddlers are creatures of the moment.
Suppress the behavior.
There's no good evidence that time-outs work for children younger than
2, so with a young toddler your best bet is probably a consistent
admonishment: Gently grasp your toddler's hand and hold it while you
say something like, "No, no; we don't pull hair, pulling hair hurts."
If your child's 2 or more, let her know that pulling hair is not an
acceptable response by immediately imposing what Roberts calls a "chair
time-out." Stay with her but don't speak to her or engage her during
her time-out, which should last about a minute. If your tot won't stay
in her chair, try a regular time-out.
Talk it out.
When the time-out's done, talk the situation through with your child.
It's important to do this even if your toddler doesn't have many verbal
skills yet because this shows her that talking (not hair pulling) is
the way to solve problems. Ask your child, "What did you do that was
wrong?" and follow that with "Why was it wrong?" Don't worry, Roberts
says, if she comes back with "Because I had to go to time-out," or some
variation thereof. "This is developmentally normal — and you can follow
it up by saying, 'Yes, you'll go to time-out if you pull hair but
there's something else we need to think about. It's important not to
pull hair because you might hurt someone.'"
While it's
important to go through this process, don't expect too much. Toddlers
have to learn the hard way — by doing something over and over and
learning that it always gets them into trouble. Your job is to be
consistent and not get frustrated by having to repeat the same
admonitions day in and day out.
As your toddler becomes more
verbal, you can help model problem solving by talking through
alternatives to hair pulling. Ask your child, "What could you do next
time your brother bosses you around instead of pulling his hair?" Help
your toddler practice saying no to her brother, or articulating
something a bit more complex ("I want to play now") if she can.
Don't pull back.
Don't decide to pull your toddler's hair to "teach her how it feels";
this old-fashioned strategy will backfire because it models the very
behavior you're trying to stop. Your toddler pulls hair because she's
trying to change something — to stop her brother from taking her toys,
for example. If you do the same thing — pull her hair to stop her from
pulling hair — you're teaching her that hair pulling is the way to
change someone's behavior. The idea that experiencing pain will teach
her not to cause pain is similarly misguided, basically because
toddlers don't yet have the empathetic skills to make such a
connection.
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