Toddler Resistance: What to do about the endless no's
Why it happens
The technical
name for your child's fascination with the word "no" is "toddler
refusal" — and the simple fact is that toddlers say "no" because they
can. "They've just found out that they have a will, and they want to
exercise it," explains Susanne Denham, professor of developmental
psychology at George Mason University and author of Emotional Development in Young Children.
This phase often comes on suddenly, leaving parents perplexed over
their toddler's newfound defiance. Mike Lynd, of Redwood City,
California, says his first child, Meredith, began saying "no" when she
turned 2. "All of a sudden," Lynd says, "everything was 'no.' And she'd
wind up to it in this funny way — 'Nnnnnnnnnnno.'"
The stage
can disappear as quickly as it appeared, too. "One day Meredith opened
her mouth," Lynd says, "and instead of 'No,' out came 'Mmmmmmm I don't
know.' And that was the end of it." While waiting out this trying
stage, though, you may want to experiment with some coping strategies.
What you can do
Offer choices.
"Twos, twos — everything comes in twos these days!" groans John
Raeside, father of 2-year-old Abby. You'll be tired of it too, before
this phase is over — but offering a limited choice is absolutely the
best way of avoiding a showdown with your toddler. "Do you want to wear
the white shoes or the red shoes today?" "Do you want juice or milk?"
"Okay, time to choose! Do you want to put away your blocks or your
stuffed animals?" Two choices are enough at this stage, and this
technique can be used for everything from getting dressed to solving
playdate disputes: "Do you want to play nicely with Timmy, or do you
want to play by yourself?"
Counting sometimes works with
indecisive toddlers: "I'm going to count to ten and then you choose, or
I'll choose for you." Your toddler will likely become decisive once you
start the countdown. (Save this counting technique for last resorts
because it loses its power if you use it too often.)
Offer the appearance of options.
To make this work, you have to keep two important facts in your mind:
You know more than your toddler does, and virtually everything can be
turned into a choice. Say, "Do you want to get out of the car now or
play for two minutes and then get out of the car?" Either way, she gets
out of the car. Or say, "Do you want to put your sweater on frontward
or backward?" And since you both know she's not going to put her
sweater on backward, what you're doing here is using humor to break the
tension (and yes, if she calls your bluff, you have to let her wear it
backward). Either way, she thinks she has a choice.
Teach your toddler other responses.
One of the reasons toddlers say "no" so much is they don't know very
many words. Help your toddler expand her vocabulary by turning "no"
into a game: "What's the opposite of 'no'?" (That one's easy.) "What
comes in between 'no' and 'yes'?" (Maybe, perhaps, and possibly.)
"What's a nicer way to say 'no'?" ("No, thank you." If your toddler's
very verbal, try, "No, thank you very much, I couldn't possibly.")
You can make a "no" response less automatic (and maybe even get a
"yes!") if you set up a situation in advance with a silly question:
"What would a bird say if you said, 'Mr. Bird, would you like a worm?'"
When your toddler responds with, "Yes!" you follow up with: "And what
would you say if I asked you if you'd like a hamburger?" With any luck,
by this point your toddler will be giggling too much to rebuff the
hamburger.
Use "no" sparingly. Your toddler might be
spouting "no"s in part because she constantly hears the word directed
at her. If that's the case, try to cut back on your own use of the word
and use alternatives to "no"
whenever possible. One tactic is to replace the word with other phrases
more specific to the situation at hand, like "It's not safe to play on
the stairs, let's play with your blocks instead," "We don't hit the
kitty," or "Use your indoor voice, please."
Stand your ground.
There will be times when, despite your best efforts to avoid or
distract, you end up in a showdown with your toddler. If she stops in
the middle of the street and refuses to move, for example, you'll move
her, and quickly. But safety concerns aren't the only reason to be
firm. "A toddler has a will — but she can't always be exerting it all
over the place," says developmental psychologist Denham. "It's just too
messy."
It's perfectly appropriate at times to say "This is not
a time when I can give you a choice. There's no choosing now. I know
that you don't like this, and I'm sorry, but this is the way it's going
to be." You might even pull rank: "I'm the mommy, that's why."
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