Toddler's Running Away
Why toddlers run away
No sooner
do you lift your toddler out of the car, set him down on the sidewalk,
and turn to wrestle his stroller out of the trunk than he suddenly
darts away. When you finally catch up with him it's clear that he
doesn't want to ride in the stroller today — he wants to walk on his
own.
That's the desire at the heart of this problem. He's not running away
to be bad on purpose or to defy you. He simply has a new sense of independence
combined with legs that can run. "Toddlers love the feeling of being
free and running around," says Patricia Shimm, director of the Barnard
College Center for Toddler Development in New York and co-author of Parenting Your Toddler. "You can encourage it as long as you can control where they run."
What you can do about it
No amount of teaching will ensure that your toddler is always as
cautious as he should be, so it's vital that you take responsibility
yourself for keeping him safe. That means being hyper-vigilant about
always creating an environment that's safe for your child.
Stay close to him.
If you're in a safe, open space where you can see your toddler and he
can see you, it's okay to let him run ahead of you. Most of the time,
if you don't yell or run after him, he'll stop on his own, turn around
to see your reaction, and run back to you when he sees you're not
coming after him. But don't take any chances if you're in a crowded
area or around cars. "You have to keep up with your toddler," says Roni
Leiderman, associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern
University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. "Children this age love to
hide, and letting them out of your sight is just too risky." You'd
never forgive yourself if he were lost in the crowd.
Show him where he can run.
Let your toddler explore a safe area (like a park, where he's safe from
cars and you can see him from a distance) freely and at his own pace.
Even in a park there are places you'll want to stop him from running:
into the bushes, for instance, or through the mud. But he'll accept
these limits more easily and learn to police himself more quickly if
there are lots of places that he is allowed — and even
encouraged — to run. The message you want to convey is that running is
fine as long as he runs in the right place at the right time.
Engage and entertain him.
Toddlers often try to cut loose when they're out doing errands because
they're bored or miss your attention. Try to engage your little one in
the chores you do together to make them more fun. One mom's secret: "I
ask my daughter to help me push her stroller. It makes her feel like
she's doing something important." Another mom says: "I con my toddler
into holding my hand by saying that I don't know where I'm going and
I'll get lost otherwise. Now that he's slightly older he's glad to help
— while falling on the ground laughing at me." Try slowing your child
down by bringing along his favorite pull toy. "This is also wonderful
for your child's motor skills," says Leiderman. Or, ask him to help you
pick a bunch of bananas or show you where the apples are. "Toddlers
love to be helpers," says Shimm.
Explain how you expect him to behave. Tell your toddler how you expect him to behave before
you begin an errand. But make sure you really spell it out for him.
Instead of saying, "Can you be a big boy and hold my hand?" say,
"Remember, you need to hold my hand when we're in the mall."
"Expressions like 'big boy' often backfire," says Shimm. "Toddlers turn
around and say, 'I don't want to be a big boy!'"
Encourage him when he does well.
When he resists the urge to run wild, reinforce his good behavior by
telling him what he did well. But again, be specific. "It's not enough
to say, 'You behaved like such a big boy today,'" says Leiderman.
"Encourage his actions by saying them back to him. Say, 'I really
appreciated that when I called you, you came back to me.'"
Keep him in his stroller.
While the running-away phase lasts (it usually resolves itself between
the ages of 18 months and 2 ½ years), it's best not to let your child
walk until you can leave crowded streets for somewhere more
child-friendly, such as a nearby playground. Strollers are invaluable
for keeping your toddler close, and since he must be strapped in to
ride safely, it isn't like you're "tethering" him the way you'd tether
a dog. Plus, there are plenty of ways to make your little guy feel like
a passenger instead of a prisoner. "Bring a toy for him to play with,"
suggests Shimm. "And take him out of the stroller when you stop for
lunch." But keep his needs in mind. "Sitting for long periods of time
can be quite challenging for some toddlers," says Leiderman. If you
know your little guy isn't good at it, try to find a way to do your
more time-consuming tasks without him.
Play "Catch me if you can."
One 21-month-old's mom told us, "When our son runs away, rather than
chase after him or yell at him, we call his name in a funny, animated
voice and say, 'Hey, can you catch Mommy?' Then we turn and slowly
'run' the other way — we only go a few inches, but it's enough to
entice him. He immediately comes running. We let him catch us and then
we scoop him up and make a big deal out of his accomplishment. We clap
and celebrate and then go on with what we were doing." This is a great
way to turn the situation around — as long as you scoop your child up
before he asks you to catch him. "Toddlers love to be caught because it
makes them feel secure," says Shimm. But you don't want to make this a
two-way game in a busy public place where your toddler could easily get
away from you.
Use a carrier or harness. If you or your
toddler needs a change from the stroller, two other safe options are a
backpack-type carrier (if you can carry him comfortably) and a toddler
harness. Some people feel that a harness demeans or imprisons toddlers;
others feel that they're the best possible means of providing freedom and
safety. "Most children don't mind wearing harnesses as much as other
adults mind looking at a child in one," says Shimm. If you're uneasy
about the idea, don't try to compromise with a wrist strap. If your
toddler is walking at its 3-foot extent on a crowded sidewalk, someone
could easily walk between you without noticing and send him flying.
Take him home.
Taking your toddler home because he's made a break for it won't
necessarily help him understand that he's done something wrong. He
might see going home as a reward, or miss the connection altogether.
Still, if you're really anxious and terrified about how he managed to
get away from you, it's a good idea to take him home until you
feel better. "Do what you think is best," says Leiderman. But don't
assume your toddler will see the link between his running away and your
returning home immediately. He may be too young to understand this as a
consequence instead of a normal chain of events.
Don't waste your time on warnings.
It's an age-old tactic for parents to give their children three
warnings before punishing them for whatever they may be doing wrong.
But there's no sense in trying this on toddlers — they're too young to
understand the significance of a series of warnings. "For children this
age, one warning is fine, but a countdown is futile," says Shimm.
Teach him safety stories and songs.
Read your toddler books about the importance of staying close to you,
or make up a song about safety to press the point home — but only after
you've tried everything else. "These types of activities are a last
resort because children learn best by doing and playing," says
Leiderman. "There are so many more wonderful ways to teach your toddler
to stay near you when you're actually out and about."
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