Getting Your Toddler to Listen
Toddlers are just like the rest of us — they don't always listen. In
fact, at their age they need you to teach them how to pay attention.
"But what often happens," says Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the
Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale,
Florida, "is that parents say something 10 times, then they start
counting down to punishment. What this does is actually condition the
child not to listen until the tenth time."
By not listening, your child is getting your attention (though constant
nagging isn't the best form of it). But being a good listener helps
your child learn more effectively, heed danger signals, get along
better with you and her teachers and other adults she'll be expected to
respect, and make better friends. There are many simple strategies
that, when consistently followed, will teach toddlers the skills they
need to become good listeners. And, as Leiderman points out, "It's
never too early to begin teaching your child. A toddler may not listen
as well as a 5-year-old, but she still has lots of these skills."
Get on her level.
As every parent realizes sooner or later, bellowing from a great height
(much less from the other room) rarely has the desired effect. Squat
down or pick your child up, so you can look her in the eye and grab her
attention. She'll listen much more closely if you sit down next to her
at the breakfast table when reminding her to eat up her cornflakes, or
perch on her bed at night when telling her you're about to turn out the
light.
Be clear.
State your message clearly, simply,
and authoritatively. Your child will zone out if you harp on a topic
too long. It's hard to find the point of a wordy message such as "It's
really cold outside, and you've been sick lately, so I want you to put
on your sweater before we go to the store." On the other hand, "It's
time to get your sweater" is unmistakable. And don't phrase something
as a question if your child doesn't actually have a choice. "It's time
to climb into your car seat" has a lot more impact than "Come climb
into your car seat, okay, honey?"
Follow through — quickly.
Make it clear that you mean what you say, and don't make threats — or
promises — you won't keep. If you tell your 2-year-old, "You need to
drink some milk at dinnertime," don't waffle five minutes later and let
her have juice instead. If you warn her she'll have a time-out if she
hits her brother, give her that time-out when the blow comes. Make sure
your spouse or partner shares your rules and respects them as well, so
that neither of you undermines the other.
In addition, make
your follow-through speedy. You would never expect to have to shout
"Don't run across the street!" five times before your child heeded you.
Similarly, don't fall into the trap of repeating less urgent
instructions, such as "Set your cup on the table," over and over again
before expecting your child to comply. Gently guide your child's hand
to place the cup on the table so she knows exactly what you want her to
do.
Reinforce your message.
It often helps to follow
up your verbal statement with a number of other kinds of messages,
especially if you are trying to pull your child away from an absorbing
activity. Say "Time for bed!" and then give a visual cue (flicking the
light switch on and off), a physical cue (laying a hand on her shoulder
to gently pull her attention away from her doll and toward you), and a
demonstration (steering her toward her bed, pulling down the covers,
and patting the pillow).
Give warnings.
Give your
child some advance notice before a big change will take place,
especially if she's happily involved with toys or a friend. Before
you're ready to leave the house, tell her, "We're going to leave in a
few minutes. When I call you, it's time to come out of the sandbox and
wash your hands."
Give realistic instructions.
"If
you tell a 2-year-old to put his toys away, he looks around the room
and says, 'Sheesh!'" says Leiderman. "Give him realistic tasks, like
'Let's put the yellow blocks away.' Then you can make it into play:
'Good, now let's put the blue blocks away.'"
Motivate.
Yelling orders may produce results (in some children), but no one will
enjoy the process. Most children respond best when you treat them with
confident good humor. For example, occasionally use a silly voice or a
song to deliver your message. You might sing "Now it's time to brush
your teeth" to the tune of "London Bridge," for example. Stress the
benefits of complying over mere dutifulness ("Brush your teeth and then
you can pick out your favorite nightgown" instead of "You have to brush
your teeth or you'll get cavities" or "Brush your teeth NOW!"). Praise
her when she finishes brushing, with "Good listening!"
The good humor, affection, and trust you demonstrate to your child when speaking to her this way will make her want
to listen to you, because she'll know that you love her and think she's
special. This is an important aspect of even those strategies that
require firmness. Giving straightforward, authoritative instructions
does not mean you have to be crabby — such messages are much more
powerful when accompanied by a hug or a smile. Then your child learns
that paying attention to you is worthwhile.
Model good behavior.
Preschoolers will be better listeners if they see that you are a good
listener, too. Make it a habit to listen to your child as respectfully
as you would to any adult. Look at her when she talks to you, respond
politely, and let her finish without interrupting whenever possible.
While it may seem like a tall order when you're cooking dinner and your
toddler is being especially chatty, try not to walk away from her or
turn your back on her while she's talking. As with so many other
behaviors, the old saw "Do as I say, not as I do" has no value when
teaching your children to listen.
Resources:
Numerous books provide sound advice in this area. Among the most popular are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Discipline Without Spanking or Shouting, by Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell, and Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
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