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Toddlers and Screaming
Why toddlers scream
Believe it
or not, your toddler's volume is turned way up not because she means to
annoy you, but because she's full of that wonderful toddler joie de vivre.
She's exploring the power of her voice, and experimenting with what she
can do with it. Why must she always cut loose when you're at the
supermarket or the bank? "There's a lovely echoing effect when you
scream in big open spaces," says Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the
Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale,
Florida. "And if the behavior is reinforced, toddlers know they can get
more attention from their parents if they scream in public."
Some toddlers scream whenever they want their parents' attention. It's
their way of saying, "Hey, look at me." Others scream when they want
something they can't have — like a piece of candy. In that case, the
shrieking means, "I want my way — give it to me now!"
What you can do about it
Screaming at your toddler to lower her voice won't help — it'll only
send the message that whoever's loudest prevails. Your best bet is to
avoid situations that'll tempt your toddler to raise her voice — and to
divert her attention when she does scream. Here are some ideas on doing
just that:
Run errands on her schedule.
It's not always possible to work around your toddler, but whenever you
can, make sure she's well-rested, with a full stomach and an empty
bladder, when you leave the house. "If you were tired and hungry you
wouldn't have the patience or energy to go grocery shopping in a cold
supermarket, would you? The same is true for your toddler," says
Leiderman.
Stick to noisy stores and restaurants. When
you have your toddler in tow, stay away from quiet, intimate, or formal
places. Instead, go where other families go. You'll be less embarrassed
when your child screams in an already loud restaurant, and less likely
to reinforce her behavior by trying to cajole her into settling down.
Ask her to use an indoor voice.
If your toddler's screaming because she's happy, try not to comment or
criticize. But if it's really getting to you, ask her to use her
"indoor voice" and stop yelling. Lower your voice so she'll have to
quiet down to hear you, and calmly say, "I can't stand the screaming,
honey. It's giving me a big headache."
Make a game out of it.
Try indulging her need to be loud by saying, "Let's both shriek as loud
as we can," and then join her in letting it rip. Then turn down the
volume by saying, "Now it's time to see who can whisper best." Then,
like a Simon Says game, switch to other movements, such as putting your
hands over your ears or jumping up and down. This'll make screaming
seem like just one of many fun things she can do. "If you're in
public you can make the game quieter even sooner by saying something
like 'Oh, you sound like a lion! Can you sound like a kitty cat?'" says
Leiderman.
Acknowledge her feelings. If your toddler's
screaming because she wants your attention, ask yourself whether she's
genuinely uncomfortable or overwhelmed. If you think the environment
you're in — say it's a huge supermarket packed with people — is too
much for her, rush through your shopping and leave quickly. Then make
it a point to shop at smaller markets (or visit the big ones during
off-peak hours) and work your way gradually up to the larger, fuller
ones again.
If you think she's just a little bored or cranky,
acknowledge her feelings. Calmly say, "I know you want to go home, but
wait just a few minutes, we're almost done," and push on. Not only will
she be comforted that you know how she feels, it'll help her learn how
to put her feelings into words.
If you know your toddler's
shouting because she thinks she can get you to hand over a cookie that
way, don't give in. You'll only reinforce her behavior by giving her
what she wants when she screams. Instead, calmly say, "I know you want
a cookie, but we have to finish this first. You can have a cookie when
we get home." Don't bother saying that she can have the cookie later
only if she behaves better immediately — by the time she gets it, she
probably won't recall what she did to earn it. Simply offer her a
cookie later at home.
Keep her occupied. You can make errands more fun for your toddler by engaging her in an activity. Two tactics to try:
Play a game.
One 15-month-old's mom told us, "I just talk to my son when we're out
running errands. I tell him what I'm doing, what's going on around us,
and who's nearby. I've learned that he's quiet when he's busy." Ask
your toddler to help you pick things off the shelves at the
supermarket. Or, make up a song about what you're doing. "Just singing,
'We're looking for bananas, bananas, bananas!' makes it more fun for
your child," says Leiderman.
Offer toys and snacks. Just be sure to give them to your toddler before
she screams. If you wait until she's screaming to give her a cookie,
you'll reinforce that behavior by sending the message that she gets
what she wants when she raises her voice. Offer her a snack or toy
while she's being quiet, and see if you can't give it an extra twist.
One mom's secret: "I bought my son a little bowl that has a rotating
lid so he can't dump the food out. He's entertained by trying to get
the snack out. Then once he does, he's too busy chewing to shriek."
Another mom says, "My son has a toy that stays in the car, so it's more
special to him than the toys he has in the house and it really holds
his interest when we're running errands."
Finally, ignore the onlookers.
For many moms the most difficult part of coping with a toddler who
loves to scream is brushing off other people's dirty looks. Here's how
one second-time mom handles it: "My 12-month-old daughter screams at
the top of her lungs. She isn't hurt or frustrated — she just wants to
scream. At 12 months old, she doesn't understand why she shouldn't do
this. When I was an inexperienced mother, this would have embarrassed
me. Now I just think, what difference does it make? I've finally
realized it doesn't matter what other people think." And if that's not
enough to convince you that you're not alone, take this ex-onlooker's
advice: "I never thought I would be the one saying this because my
husband and I used to be the ones who glared, but I say let them stare!
Obviously, if you're someplace like a church or quiet restaurant where
your child's screaming is truly disruptive, take him outside for a
while. But in a place like the grocery store, let them look. They'll
get over it!"
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