How to handle your spirited toddler
Living with a toddler can be like sharing a house with Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde. If your child is "spirited," the toddler years can be
especially trying.
What defines a spirited child? "All toddlers
are busy: They're climbing and jumping and throwing things," says Mary
Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the popular books Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime.
"But the high-energy kid is the one who can get to the top of the
refrigerator. All toddlers say 'no,' too, but a spirited child's
'no's!' are louder and more frequent, his tantrums longer lasting and
more intense. You gradually realize that as a parent you're working
harder than your neighbor, whose child is simply not as intense,
persistent, and emphatic as yours. Your child is still normal, he's
just more of everything."
Spirited kids are
definitely a challenge, but there are ways to defuse daily battles and
teach your toddler to learn to control himself. Here are Kurcinka's top
strategies:
Let him know what's coming.
All toddlers
become anxious when they can't predict what's coming next, but most
spirited children need events spelled out to a degree that you might
not expect. When it's time to leave the playground and your 2-year-old
throws himself on the ground howling, it's probably because he's
insecure about what's coming next. Tell him in detail: You'll go to the
car, we'll drive straight home, find Sis and Dad there, and have
spaghetti for dinner.
Remember that with toddlers, words aren't
always enough. You might tell him "Daddy will pick you up from daycare
this afternoon," for example, but he may well have trouble remembering
it all day. In this case, you might ask his daycare provider to remind
him later in the day that Daddy's handling pick-up duties.
Sometimes visual cues can help. If Grandma and Grandpa are coming for
an annual visit, show him photos ahead of time. You might even make a
picture book outlining his bedtime ritual: bath, pajamas, story, bed.
You can't cut all the surprises out of your toddler's life, of course,
but you can minimize the stress by giving him a heads-up when you can.
Be clear and consistent.
Spirited children need the security and consistency of clear rules, so
it's important to set limits. If nap time is always after lunch and
your spirited 3-year-old puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you
enforce his rest period. If videos aren't allowed after dinner but you
let him watch "just this one" tonight so you can make a phone call,
he'll test you and demand one — forcefully — every night for the rest
of the week.
Maintain physical contact.
"As toddlers
move toward independence, they still very much need connection," says
Kurcinka. Maybe your toddler would like a backrub before bed. Or he
might enjoy cuddling with you in a rocking chair in the morning. Have
him bring toys into your room so he can play near you while you dress
for work. At daycare, sit with him on the floor until he moves into the
group on his own.
These tactics may seem to slow you down
initially, but they'll actually save you time in avoided tantrums and
battles. "Toddlers need to know they can trust you to be there for
them. That way they'll ultimately be more independent," says Kurcinka.
Create a "yes" environment.
"Me do!" are a toddler's favorite words, says Kurcinka. Let your child
pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, and
put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes
a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth
it.
Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low
cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots and plastic containers that he
can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach? Is there a bed,
couch, or floor pillow that he's allowed to jump on? The more
child-friendly your home is, the less you'll be fighting with him to
keep away from special things and places.
Avoid danger spots.
If your highly energetic child can't sit still at the table, choose
restaurants wisely — or plan a family picnic in the park instead. If
he's slow to adapt to new people, don't plop him on Santa's lap. Stay
with him and approach Santa gradually — or wait until next year. And if
you find yourself in an overly stimulating situation, such as a
playmate's big birthday party, don't be shy about leaving early — before your toddler loses it.
Soothe his senses.
Help your spirited child wind down when the intensity level starts to
rise. Water can be especially soothing: Give him a warm bath on a cold
night, put a cool washcloth on his forehead on a summer afternoon, or
let him play with his rubber ducks in the kitchen sink while you're
cooking.
For older toddlers, finger paints and modeling clay
are also calming sensory activities. For younger toddlers (under 2), it
feels good to spread sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream on a play surface.
Acknowledge feelings.
Talk to your spirited toddler about why
he's starting to melt down and let him know he's not the only one who
is overcome by difficult emotions sometimes. Try saying "The people and
the noise are bothering you. They're bothering me too. We'll leave the
mall as soon as we've paid for these shoes."
Even if he doesn't
seem to learn much from what you say at this age, explain it to him
anyway. (Just don't become angry with him when your perfectly logical
explanations don't result in his quick compliance.) Toddlers usually
aren't able to change their behavior in response to verbal reasoning,
but this exercise will help you empathize with your child. And eventually he'll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.
Reward good behavior.
Don't worry that your spirited toddler will get a big head if you
praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: "Good job
getting out of the tub when I asked you to" or "You really used your
quiet voice at Peter's house today." Try to never pass up a chance to
praise the behavior you're trying to teach.
Set realistic expectations.
The many daily transitions adults take for granted — getting out of the
house, in and out of the car, to daycare, to the store, home again,
going to bed — are especially hard on a spirited toddler, who needs
extra time to cope with change and who may become overwhelmed by people
and noise.
"The average 2-year-old has spent 500 hours in a
car," says Kurcinka. "Ask yourself, 'Can I expect my toddler to handle
this?'" And when possible, skip unnecessary transitions and demands: Do
you really have to make that last stop or could it wait?
Try not to label.
Most important of all, examine the way you describe your toddler. The
"wild child" who is "stubborn," "exhausting," and a "crybaby" is also a
spirited child who is persistent, energetic, and sensitive — all traits
that are admired in adults. Use positive labels when discussing your
child with relatives and teachers, and they'll come to see his
wonderful attributes too.
And with increased self-esteem, your spirited child will want
to learn to behave well. You'll know you're on the right track when
your 3-year-old announces to Grandma, "I had lots of energy today!"
instead of saying, "I was a bad boy." When you focus on your child's
positive features and strengths, it changes your behavior, and that in
turn changes your child's behavior.
Take care of yourself.
You may find it difficult, if not impossible, to announce that you need
more time for yourself. But the house doesn't have to look perfect and
the dinners don't have to be gourmet. If it's already midnight and
you're exhausted, leave the dishes in the sink. Rest or take a bubble
bath when your child naps instead of vacuuming the living room. Take
full advantage of your time at night after your toddler goes to sleep
to connect with your partner or a friend, or to do some relaxing
activity on your own.
Most important of all, says Kurcinka:
"Build a support system. You can't do this seven days a week, 24 hours
a day." Your child will benefit when you're revitalized, and so will
you. Whether it's your spouse, a friend, a relative, or a babysitter,
find a consistent caregiver whom you and your child can trust and let
them help out.
Resources
There are many books available to help you understand and work with your spirited toddler. They include:
Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (HarperPerennial)
The Difficult Child: A Guide for Parents, by Stanley Turecki and Leslie Tonner (Bantam)
Living With the Active, Alert Child, by Linda Budd (Parenting Press)
The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five, by William and Martha Sears (Little Brown) Your Child Is a Person, by Herbert Birch, Stella Chess, and Alexander Thomas (Penguin)
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