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Whining and the Toddler
Why it happens Kids are
pragmatists. If your child is like most toddlers, he's learned that
loud, cranky, increasingly higher-pitched demands for cookies while in
the checkout line have the potential to produce a treat. It's not that
your toddler is trying to be annoying — he's simply doing what brings
results. In addition, your child may not know of a better way to ask.
"Toddlers often don't know how else to express what they want," says
Dr. Tina Gabby, assistant clinical professor of behavior and
development at the University of California, San Francisco. "They get
frustrated easily and start to whine." It's crucial to help your child
learn more effective ways of expressing himself, because the better
results he gets from whining, the more he'll see it as an effective way
to rule his world.
What to do Establish your definition of whining.
Don't assume that your child knows what whining is and how awful it
sounds. Identify whining when you hear it and ask your child to use his
regular voice instead. If he has trouble hearing the difference,
demonstrate it for him (without making fun of him).
Some
experts suggest tape-recording your child, both in mid-whine and during
normal conversation. When the two of you are in a good mood, play the
tape and talk about it. Explain that whining sounds unpleasant and
makes people stop listening. Practice "good" and "bad" voices together
— hearing you at your whiniest will probably elicit a good laugh.
Acknowledge your child's need for attention.
Children often resort to whining when they've tried and failed to get
their parent's ear. Heather Itzla, mother of 2-year-old Ian, finds that
her son whines only when she's not responding to what he's saying. "I
bend down to his level and make eye contact with him," Itzla says.
"Once he sees that I'm listening, I can get him to tell me what he
wants without whining."
Whenever your child asks for something
in a pleasant way, try to respond as immediately as you can. If you
can't do what he wants right then, take a second to acknowledge his
request, give him a ballpark estimate for when you'll get to it
("Honey, I know you need more juice. Hang on until I put down these
groceries and I'll get it"), and follow through. When your child sees
that other ways of voicing his needs produce better results, the whines
will taper off.
Make sure the wait time is a realistic one: You
can expect your toddler to be patient for as many minutes as he is old
(three minutes if he's 3 years old). Try not to use the vague "later,"
unless you think he understands it. And remember to praise him for
waiting when he manages to pull it off.
Show him a better way to address the problem.
If your child can't get past the whining, try restating the issue for
him. For instance, say, "I can see that you're upset. Is it because I
can't take you to the park right now?" This will get a conversation
going. Whether or not your child's demand is reasonable, it's important
to let him know that he won't get what he wants if his way of asking is
unacceptable. Say something like, "I can't understand you when you talk
like that. Please use your normal voice and I'll be happy to listen to
what you're saying." Don't get riled up, or you'll only feed the fire.
Some children respond better to visual cues. Try holding your hands
over your ears and wincing in mock pain to signal that you hear whining
(cup your ears and smile serenely when it stops).
Avoid triggers.
Taking your hungry toddler grocery shopping before dinner and expecting
him to understand that cookies will spoil his appetite is like putting
a new trampoline in the kitchen and expecting him not to jump on it
until the cake is done baking: It's a foolproof recipe for disaster.
Feed him before you go, or pack some healthy snacks he can eat on the
way or in the store. Likewise, life will be easier for both of you if
you can avoid dragging him on errands — or even to the zoo, for that
matter — when he's due for a nap.
Respond consistently.
Don't put your foot down one minute and give in to whining the next. If
your child tests you in that checkout line, work hard to keep your
cool. The last thing you want him to figure out is that whining in
public is an effective way to get what he wants. "It's like being at a
Las Vegas slot machine," says veteran mom Lisa Levi. "Your child pulls
the lever and pulls the lever again. One win — even after 12 losses —
will show him that a slot machine is a good bet for making money, and
that's not what you want him to learn."
Stay connected.You
want your child to know that he can have your attention without whining
for it. So be sure to carve out regular time to read a story together,
do a puzzle, or just have fun — without his having to complain first.
Touch him affectionately, give him plenty of hugs, and praise him when
he behaves the way you want.
Try a diversion. Toddlers
have few communication skills, so just about anything — not enough toys
on the floor, too many kids in a room, or too much juice in the cup —
can trigger whining. Sometimes your best bet is to be ready to step in
with a redirect ("It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Mama") before
the whining even starts.
